Sunday, August 15, 2010

Top Five Things to Not do and Drive!

I am sure you are familiar with top ten lists. "Late Night with David Letterman" has made a top ten list very popular. As I was driving home from Wichita Falls one time this summer, I came up with my own "top" list. I don't have ten, but have five.

Number 5 - you should not attempt to put on make up while driving. There are various reasons for this. Eyeliner is hard enough to put on when you're standing still much less when you are moving! Thick on one side, thin on the other and well, that's just not tasteful. And hit a bump in the road while you're putting on mascara and you've got a mess on your hands, especially if you don't have any q-tips!

#4 - you should not attempt to dress while driving. It's worse than dressing in the dark! The potential for putting a shirt on backwards is just too great if you are driving, and talk about embarrassing when you get out of the car!

#3 - you should not attempt to read while driving. This increases your risk for losing your place in the story! My heavens! And of you're at a good part, and have to pay attention to the road, it just delays getting to the great part of the story and that's just no fun at all!

#2. And along those lines, it's not good to text and drive. The worst thing that can happen when you text and drive is that you type the wrong word and it changes the meaning of what you're saying! For example, you learn that your team has just successfully landed a really big deal for the company and you want to let them know, so you type "Congratulations! You are on the sinning team!" You meant to type, "Congratulations, you are on the winning team!" I guess you see how that could cause some explaining??? Just not a good thing to do...at least wait until you're at a stop light to proof what you type before you hit send to avoid that kind of confusion.

And the number one thing that you should never try to do is eat a large chocolate dipped ice cream cone from the Dairy Queen while driving!!

Here's my story....

I was heading home from Wichita Falls after taking my niece home this summer. I was getting a little sleepy, so I decided to pull into one of the best Dairy Queens in Texas. Just my opinion, but this DQ has been around for at least 25 years and is always very nice anytime I stop to go in there. My weakness there is a large, chocolate dipped vanilla ice cream cone. It's what all the food in heaven is going to taste like, if you know what I mean.

I get my cone and head to the car. It's probably 93 degrees outside. The chocolate on the cone wasn't quite solidified when I got in the car, so I gave it just a couple minutes.

Mistake. Big mistake.

I put the car in drive and head out. Before I let off the break and move though, I manage to stop the ice cream that's oozing through the chocolate coating in three or four spots. Thinking I have everything under control, I pull let off the break and I'm on the move.

I'm barely on the highway again, and I look down at my hand with the cone in it to see ice cream dripping down my hand and about to go all the way down my arm. I always get extra napkins when I go in some place like that, but have you seen DQ napkins? They are about 2 inches wide and thinner than the cheapest toilet paper in a convenience store restroom (seriously, don't you think people would use less TP if it were thicker and save the store money - but that's another story....). I grab about 10 napkins and carefully wrap the base of the cone in the napkins, while driving, while wiping down my arm. I can handle this degree of multitasking. All is well.

I bite into the chocolate coating.

OOOPPPSIE!!!!

Oh my!!!!! What on EARTH!!???

The entire top section of chocolate is hanging out of my mouth and now the white, thin, milky vanilla ice cream has nothing to hold it in place and begins to pour down the rest of the chocolate, heading toward the multi layers of napkins I have at the base to my hand.

I can't eat the chocolate fast enough. I need two hands. I steer with my knee....uh, yeah, don't do this at home.....and grab the chocolate coating with one hand, the cone in the other hand, and shove the chocolate in my face and devour it without really tasting it. Taste isn't important right now. Savoring the experience and eating this cone slowly is obviously not going to be an option.

Once I get the chocolate gone, I begin to craftily twirl the cone, while now steering with the other hand, chocolate all over the steering wheel by now, and lick the rapidly melting ice cream as fast as I can to keep it from running everywhere. I think I'm getting things under control when the remaining chocolate left on the cone breaks loose. I didn't catch it, not at all.

Oh no!!!

Chocolate on a white shirt....not good, just not good.

I roll down the window.

Okay, don't hate here. I have to do something with this chunk of chocolate that's landed on my shirt and tumbling down into my lap. It's got to go.

It wasn't until after I rolled down the window that I figured out that the lack of cool air which was rushed instantly out by the 93 degree heat in the car only increased the already alarming rate at which the ice cream melted!!! It was like I had instant milk in my cone at this time. Like a faucet, the white milky substance was running everywhere. Just everywhere.

I look up and I'm not in the lane I thought I was....I'm "sharing" as my daughter calls it. I'm going right down the middle of two lanes. Now, it's a four lane road and I'm thankful I'm at least in the lanes I should be in. I look in my rear view mirror, and the only saving grace from this so far is that there isn't a car in my vision...no one is close. Thank the Lord for that. I'm sure I look like a drunk driver swerving everywhere while battling this ice cream cone.

I give up and throw the cone out the window. What I wasn't wearing of the cone, was now gone. I look down at myself and have chocolate on my shirt, the white ice cream would mix in and not be seen too bad on the shirt, except it would show horribly on the black pants I had on....I felt like I'd been through a sticky factory. My hands stuck to the steering wheel like I'd put glue on them. I didn't have any more napkins.

I begin to lick my hands thinking that might help. Nope. No good. I'm just covered in sticky goo.

I finish the next hour going home, to embarrassed to stop anywhere and get out. At this point, I just want to get home and possibly shower. I was wearing more of the cone that I had gotten to eat.

Now, obviously, my top five are very "tongue in cheek". There are more important reasons that you shouldn't do certain things and drive. Paying attention while you drive can literally be the meaning between life and death. But, I really thought I could master an ice cream cone while driving. But alas, I couldn't, and the ice cream cone won.

I was more disappointed over not getting to enjoy the cone. Had I just sat in the restaurant and ate the cone, I would have relaxed, enjoyed the cone, and had the tools necessary to clean myself up afterwards had I still made a mess. I would have had water at my disposal, at least. But my hurry to get home, and my over zealousness in needing to have a LARGE cone, helped the cone meet its demise before I got to enjoy it.

Have you ever gone through a day and at the end of the day wondered what you accomplished? Did you start the day out overzealous, but find that you're out of place and tried to accomplish more than you could? While it's good to be ambitious, it's also good to combine that ambition with a degree of reasonableness. The old adage, "Don't bite off more than you can chew" is real in more ways than one.

We are told to live each day to its fullest and not worry about tomorrow. One of my favorite sayings is (Lori-phrased and not exact, but it goes something like this...) "Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, but today is called the present...take it as the gift it is and use it to its fullest."

God's word says it better. In Matthew 6:34 (New King James Version) he says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." And in James 4:14 he says, "whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away."

Don't rush through today trying to do too much and miss the point you were meant to get out of the day. Take each day, one day at a time, and figure out what you were supposed to get out of it. Some would say, "stop and smell the roses." I might say, "Stop and enjoy the ice cream!"